April 27, 2017

Anxiety and paranoia are plaguing me lately. I don't know why.

Maybe I do, actually. I think... it's nice Dave has a new really good job. He makes good money, they have him a company vehicle, they gave him the new iPhone as a company phone, he finally has benefits and paid vacation and sick days. He made more than me at his last job, but now he makes a lot more than me.

It bothers me I think because I freak out now, because now he truly doesn't need me anymore. He could actually save money on his own now, vs being with us. He doesn't actually NEED me for anything anymore. I've never dated someone like that before.

I think I'm nervous, and at the same time, I don't know why I am. When we got together his life was practically in shambles,  and mine wasn't much better. We both slowly made improvements and motivated each other to get to where we needed to be. I always saw potential in him. I always knew he could be where he is, he just needed to be with someone who pushed him to do it. Maybe I just never thought he would do it. I don't know.

It's just hard to look at him now. Here I am putting off grocery shopping and rarely putting out and having these crazy mood swings since my grandma died and I feel like I have nothing to offer anyone. I make decent money but I couldn't support me and Emilee on it without him. At least not while living in a place that wasn't either A, my moms, or B, another shit hole. I freak out now because I'm terrified if he leaves wtf are we going to do?

He's never said that. I mean hell he asked me to marry him. We're getting married in 10 months. We don't fight still. We could have more sex, it's just every time I try to I can't enjoy it - and it's not him. It's my mind, it's the depressed state it's lingered in since she left. It's this anxious feeling like what's the point in living a good life when everyone dies. It's that being with him and having a child all the sudden I'm so very aware that it could be taken from me in the blink of an eye over one tiny accident. I think I need to talk to someone, honestly, I just haven't been able to make an appointment for it.

This post is just a long rant of no importance.  I just need to go to bed.

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