October 10, 2017

I just can't anymore. When I really start to think about things, my heart is in the right place, but it's not where I want to be. My heart is my problem, entirely. I expect everyone to put out what I do, work, friends, relationships, and it's just not the case. I kill myself at work and for what? For a 1$ more than my coworkers. That's what it boils down to. No appreciation for what I do, no thanks, but if I am sick and having a bad day, everyone feels it and then I'm not working up to my potential and everyone is pissed at me because they have to work harder. I feel like that's my entire life, with everyone in it. I got rid of all my toxic friendships and realized that means I have no friends. I might have to compromise in areas, but it's hard when I feel like I'm the only one who does.

I spoke with my step mother, who happens to be a therapist (free therapy, woo!) and she basically just confirmed everything I've been thinking in the back of my head for the last... I don't even know how many years.

I think my biggest issue is I want more. I feel like I deserve more. I want people whom I've helped to help me, and I think I have to come to terms with the reality that if I want anything in life I have to do it myself.

Holly's words keep ringing over and over in my brain, to where I keep having these dreams about it if I do sleep, and it's driving me mad. I guess I'm actually going to have to talk to these people. I'm going to have to get another job and take a pay cut and start over. That's the stupid reality. I need to be happier. I have one life to live, and I want to spend it happily with my daughter, like when she was a baby, and I don't want any outside drama. I want a family, but I want a family with people I can depend on to put me first, who can acknowledge when they're being selfish and change that.

If you can't be willing to do it, then I don't need you.

September 2, 2017

White lies.

I made a mistake a million years ago and told a white lie, to not hurt another person for one, but in a way I guess to protect myself kind of too. I've carried the lie through countless friendships, countless boyfriends, thinking I was doing the right thing. And now it's becoming too heavy and I don't know what to do. I could keep it hidden and just be unhappy because I'm not honest about what I want, or I could voice it out loud and potentially hurt someone enough that they no longer want to talk to me anymore. Neither one is good. The stress is just adding to my anxiety that's already too much. I can't shut it off.

August 22, 2017


This has been an absolutely chaotic month. Emilee started elementary school and the first well consisted of her not getting off the bus and me having to leave work to pick her up at the school. She started at her new at home daycare, which is in my budget so that's nice. But the daycare itself is very lax, and therefore Emilee is being problematic at home, because she needs structure, and she needs everyone to give her structure, or she's relentless. So now we are battling behavioral problems, but I think she will get there once all the new-ness of everything dies down.

I go for an ultrasound on the 5th to see, again, if they can give me any answers on what's going on with me (no, I'm not pregnant). And for results from my doctor and specialist on the 12th. This has been a long battle of trying to remain calm and patient, and I'm finally towards the end of it. My last blood work order came back ok, so they've ruled out I guess the worst of everything, now they just are getting a for sure diagnosis, if there even is anything to diagnose.

My wedding is back on, I now have a photographer, dj, a new wedding date, and a venue! It wasn't my first or even third choice venue, but I waited too long and this is what I have for now. I'll make it work, at least I hope so.

Work is exhausting. Being 3 people short is a nightmare I hope to never have to relive again, but small favors, at least it's "summer". Though it doesn't feel like it half the time, we're doing 3xs what we were doing last summer with way less manpower. It's the pitts. I think I'm getting too old for retail pharmacy. I'm going to bed lately by 9:30, I'm not even in my 30's yet. Ridiculous.

Dave did something stupid, and got himself fired from his job. We had a bad patch, but he found another one paying the same, closer to home, and with better benefits, on top of a career move in the direction he wanted, and all the employees there love it and he's actually wanting to stay local now for it instead of our big Jacksonville move we were planning for months. Which is fine by me, I like it out here. I mean. It could be better, but it's not awful. We're in the middle of practically everything at least. A part of me was angry that he found work so quickly, the petty part of me, because I felt like he learned nothing from the experience. But he did tell me that telling me what happened, and having to see the look of betrayal and disappointment on my face scarred him a bit. So maybe it wasn't all bad.

I think I say it often, but I do love this man. And he amazes me at times that I can see he loves me. It's always the little things that catch me off guard, or the smiles, or the texts. I find it amazing to be 2.5 years into this and we still have yet to really get into a fight. We've managed to work through everything, and even though him losing his job was an incredibly hard time to even look at him, we worked through that, too. I'm starting to feel like we could handle the world together. And yet at the same time, there's that part of me that refuses to go away that's always worrying about "what if?"

It's late. Goodnight!

August 9, 2017

Health problem after health problem. More blood work, again, sick of blood work. I just want some answers and I'm sick of getting the run around to get them. Maybe Monday will be my last appointment for awhile. Except for the two I have after that. And then maybe I'll be done. In the meantime, if I could just get some sleep for once...that'd be nice.

July 27, 2017

I'm in such a panic that I feel like I can't breathe.  I don't know what to do. I can't sleep. I can't think. I don't want to think. I want to wake up and it be last week when I had nothing to worry about. I guess this is a defining moment. Something will happen, it'll either be a good thing or it'll be a bad thing. I need tyo have faith.

I just don't.

July 19, 2017

I've started to count the times Dave smiles at me in "that" way and so far tonight it's been twice.❤

There are times I love him so much it hurts, and times when all I want to do is punch him in the face.

Maybe I get so excited about those moments because he rarely says he loves me with words, aside from the actual phrase. He's not big on showing those kinds of affections. But he always SHOWS it. In the little things. And even though he doesn't say it, tonight he danced with me in the kitchen, and told me he'd found us some more potential wedding songs, and he cuddled me on the couch. It just makes me feel so happy

On a side note, I was hugging Emilee for bed but it was a long hug, she was so soft and sweet. And then when I let her go I see she was actually just playing on her tablet the whole time!!!😂😂 How is she already so sneaky!!??

July 9, 2017

I saw your damn post.

I spent so much of my life not being able to do what I wanted, and now I want to do what I want when I want.

I honestly hope I am pregnant in a way, and that all of this is pregnancy emotions, because if not, then I'm heading towards a nervous breakdown and I feel it building. I had my doctor put me on sleeping medication because I wasn't sleeping (obviously) but then when I would sleep I was haunted with nightmares. But the sleeping medicine seems to have amplified my anger and anxiety. Mostly I just miss having friends. I don't have any friends anymore. I have nobody but Dave to talk to. And I love talking to him, but it's not the same. I feel constantly like I'm all alone and I even signed up to sell Mary Kay so i could meet people(how pathetic is that??)

There was a time when I couldn't have friends. And the irony would be that now that I can, I have none.

I just feel so overwhelmed lately. I see my doctor again on the 28th, maybe there's something she can give me that will help with my anxiety that isn't Xanax. Or maybe I need ant anti depressant. I don't honestly know. I feel bad for Dave because he's had to put up with me through all of this, and constanttly keeping me entertained isn't the world's best job, I know. But he does do the best job at calming me down.