January 5, 2018

I'm so ready to leave this job. I'm so over it. I am so stressed out all the time, because I don't get paid what I know I'm worth, because I have to literally do everything, because my crew is shitty and everyone calls out all the time and my manager does nothing about it but I call out once in over a year and we have to get into a texting fight in order for him to even be okay with it, because we have new people who are already not listening and because I'm not lead yet nobody is paying me any mind until they need me for something, which is constantly. I come home completely drained and exhausted from running around all day and always having to take a short lunch or stay late or come in early and getting yelled at by people all damn day. It's not fair. Today I took my break hours after I was supposed to and sat in my car and just cried. I don't know how to not care. I take pride in what I do and I expect everyone else to do the same and they don't. And it drives me crazy. I know I'd be happier if I wasn't working so hard like the rest of them, but I also know if I slack off then everyone else is going to be stressed out and pissed off at me for slacking. It's a nightmare. I also hate that I know if I leave they're going to be so slammed that they won't know what to do, and I feel bad about that too and I shouldn't. I don't know how to turn it off.

January 4, 2018

Big changes coming in the next few months! Dave and I are going to be spending probably a few months apart to make it happen, but it will definitely be worth it and it's the smarter thing to do, despite not exactly what we both want.  I'm pretty excited, and it's been quite some time since I felt as excited as I feel now, so that's a plus!

December 24, 2017

So the roommate situation turned into a disaster. There were threats made, lots of lying and shit talking, and he stole from us. We let it go, mainly because we didn't have any way to prove anything, and because we knew karma would take care of him.

Fast forward a week later, him and Dave bump into each other in public. A verbal fight ensues with Chris acting like a badass and backing down when Dave approached him. Later he unblocks him on Facebook to run his mouth again. Dave basically calls him a pussy and blocks him this time.

Two days later, he robs us. Knowing I'm the only one with an income right now. Of over 400$ through Microsoft and he brags about it on Snapchat. What the motherfucker THOUGHT was gonna happen I have no idea, but obviously we reported it because i needed that fucking money, it's Christmas time, and my car payment is due the 22nd, and my rent is due the first, and I was already short for it. I knew he'd get picked up, but I didn't know they'd charge him two felonies, grand theft larceny and fraud/impersonation. He was stupid an left a paper trail.

He's in jail for a few days then gets bailed out and of course the first thing he does is go up to my work and stalk out the area. I had co-workers texting me all day telling me he was up there glaring into the pharmacy like he was waiting for me. I got a little nervous at that point because Emilee and I were home alone and he was just a few miles away at my job, but we do have a security system at the house (that we bought bc someone broke in because of HIM when he was here) and I figured he wouldn't be stupid enough to come to my house anyway.

Later that night he unblocks my number to write me about how, basically, I better enjoy my time with Dave while I have it because he's got shit he's gonna do hard time for and picture evidence and I better be prepared to marry him when he's in prison. I called the non emergency line because I was pretty sure he's not supposed to contact someone who is a victim on a case but apparently that's only for domestic violence. However I made a case anyway and I'm going to get him trespassed from my job first thing Tuesday, that way he can't come there at all.

As for the shit with Dave, I've been reading into it, and I think he's fine. I mean if Chris really wants to try and throw THAT shit out there, then I hope he's prepared for the fallout from it because we have a lottttttt more that will incriminate him than he could ever have on Dave, nor at this point is Dave the only other one who would come forward about it. I guess he thinks that because he deleted everything but staff with Dave that Dave also deleted everything that had to do with him? I mean be stupid if you want and add MORE time to your felonies. You are never gonna see your son again, man.

It makes me so mad because the fucker stole from US. TWICE. We couldn't do anything the first time and then he's a fucking idiot and does it again. Then gets mad we turned him in and tries to takes us down with him???? YOU committed the crimes!!! All we ever tried to do was help the motherfucker and then he tried bringing meth in my house when I have a 5 year old and not pay us anything for staying there and we make him leave. And then you want to lash out, like it was a surprise??? I'm sorry your son isn't enough for you to grow the fuck up, but my child is my damn world and the fact that he's now threatening her livelihood is enough to make me want to scream.

"Better lawyer up" he says. Nigga you got two felonies on you, your parents live off disability and you ain't got a job. What public defender even gonna take the time to listen to any of the shit you spouting?? My records clean and all Dave's 2 misdemeanors are nearly 10 years old. YOU the convicted felon who just got out a few years ago.

My fear is he did something, tampered with my place somewhere, maybe, hid something he shouldn't have. I've searched the place up and down with paranoia, and I think he would probably need his drugs at some point even if he did hide them here to fuck us over later and he would have tried to get them back already. But I still worry. We told the officer who was here last night about it and he kind of shrugged it off, like who's gonna listen to him anyway, but you never know.

Clearly now that Chris is doing hardcore shit he's a changed fucking person who keeps lashing out in anger and thinking he's right each time. He also tells everyone who asks that he stole from us bc we owed him money. Please. Who is buying that shit?

November 10, 2017

So we kind of, well, there's no "kind of" anymore at this point, have a roommate. He is a friend of mine whom I worked with when I was at CVS's boyfriend, who over time kind of became a friend of Dave's, too. The guy is really good with kids, which is good, because they have a baby plus she had 2 kids before him, and he keeps the house clean (which is more than I can say for Dave lol) but too much of him is annoying. He's got a good heart, but he's a big talker. If you have a story, he has one too. He's done so many things in his life and learned so many trades. He doesn't work a real job because he keeps the baby and the kids when they're out of school, but because he knows so many trades he gets money from a lot of side jobs. Not excellent money. I mean he mows yards, paints houses, fixes cars, details cars, handy things like that. He basically just makes extra money while his woman works ful time. Which is fine for them, I guess, because she knew that when she got with him, and she makes decent money now.

He had found, allegedly, a side job for Dave to do with installing a friend's ac system because that's not something he knows how to do and had told Dave he'd get $1300 from it. Which I guess wound up just being him talking.

When we first agreed to let him stay, we had talked about using any money he gave us towards our wedding. It was just extra money for us.

But now I'm starting to get annoyed with the situation.

He fixed up the garage into a room and it has a side door so basically he doesn't really have to bother us unless he comes in the house to cook or use the restroom or whatever. But when K drops the baby off before she goes to work (she goes in an hour before me) he's always asking me to hold him and stuff so he can do... whatever it is he does. Which wouldn't annoy me so much if I wasn't trying to get ready for work. Or if I happen to get off before K, he always has me watch the baby so he can go pick her up, or if he has to go to the store, or whatever he needs to do. I sound like I'm bitching and I know I am. I love their baby, he's adorable. But he's 9 months old and they have him so spoiled you literally can't put him down. Like he doesn't know how to sit up on his own or crawl yet because he's been held so much. It'd be one thing if I could put him down and let him play on the floor or something. But it's hard to cook and take care of my own kid when I've got a 9 month old attached to me.

The other issue is, hes given us 150$ since he moved in. The 50 he gave me first was applied towards my daycare, and the 100 I held onto to deposit that weekend when I actually went to the town my bank was in.

Anddddddd then yesterday he asked Dave if he could "borrow it back" because some tool or something broke or he didn't have the right tools for whatever he's planning on doing this weekend on one of his jobs and he promised he'd be able to give it right back after he gets paid for it.

This is where I start to get annoyed. Granted he's only been here for I think 3 weeks, and Dave never set a price for him to pay when he said he could move in. But I almost feel like we're just going to keep exchanging that $100 until our lease is up. He did offer to keep Emilee for me instead of me paying daycare, and he does keep the house clean. But WE feed him, he uses OUR water, OUR electric, we also feed the kids when he gets them from school. And he invites his friends over a lot, which is alright because they stay in his room, but idk what they do when [Dave]and I are at work. And whenever K comes over all they do is scream and yell at each other to the point where I literally had to tell them to take it outside, keep it down, or K had to leave. AND he hasn't brought his tv over so a lot of the time I'd come home and he'd be playing or watching something on mine while Dave was  playing on his  and I'd be like....ok?? Fuck me, I guess! So moving in I thought would help after Dave lost job bc we would at least get that much extra, but really we got 50$.

Dave annoys me because he acts like he's this hard ass. He talks a big game and then doesn't follow through with it like he said he would, he bitches to me about him constantly, but says nothing. I'm not the one who told him he could move in. But I sure as shit know Dave would blame me in a heartbeat for why he has to GTFO.

I don't mind helping him out, it's not that. It's just this is my house. I am currently the only one paying bills here and I don't want to feel like I have to stay in my room and do nothing while they hang out and play video games and fuck off. It's just an addition to my previous post about why I've been so mad at Dave lately, I guess. It's just I called out today because I literally have no voice so it's not like I can wait on customers, and he's been springing the baby on me all day so he can use my tv to play COD with Dave.

So much for a fucking day off.

November 9, 2017

I'm a jerk.

I feel bad, because it's Dave's birthday, and I'm in a terrible mood. I've been trying to be calm and collected, but my bitchy attitude keeps coming out.

The problem is I've been mad at him since he lost his job.  The past few weeks have been rough. I've noticed that he's not as dependable as he wants to be, and he's selfish. I've been saying he's not, but really, he is. In a way. He shows his love differently than I want. He would always buy me gifts or he thinks sitting on the couch cuddling and watching TV together is what makes a good relationship and so in his eyes everything is perfect. But that's not necessarily what I want. I want a guy who takes the load off me,and my responsibilities.

For instance, in our entire relationship,Dave has washed dishes maybe 3 times. Until we got a charcoal grill this year he never cooked. Ever. He never woke up and got Emilee ready for me, ever, so I could get some extra sleep. He never made a grocery list, or did the grocery shopping. I was expected to take care of the whole home front and at the same time we both worked 40 hours. So when he had the job in Orlando he worked barely 30 hours, but he made so much money it didn't matter bc his check for a week was still more than what I made in 2. But he'd get home from work at 2pm and get to relax and do whatever he wanted to do, and then when I got off at 530 I'd have to go pick up Emilee from daycare, come home, and cook dinner for everyone , put away leftovers, load the dishwasher, and then unload it when I came home the next day and do it all over again while he played his video games and waited for his food.

So when he lost his job at BF I got pissed. Bc that was 2 jobs in 6 months. Granted, it wasn't really his fault for losing it. He was 3 weeks away from his 90 days and they got rid of him before he could get his benefits bc they were slow, and he was the last guy hired. So I did feel a little bad that I was so mad at him. But the reality was, and I told him, that if he hadn't been an idiot and got fired from his job in Orlando it wouldn't have mattered in the first  place because he would have had a job. There was like a 7 day time frame from him losing his job in Orlando to him starting at BF. But when he lost his job at BF he was unemployed for weeks.

So during the time frame I expected him to take care of shit at the house. If you're not going to work then you need to do the house duties. But he didn't. Then I took Emilee out of daycare bc I wasn't paying for her to go there when he's just sitting at home.

I went off on him about it finally when I was at the end of my witts. I was pissed off one morning because I asked him, hey, since you're NOT working, maybe you can wake up in the morning and take Em to school, because she has to be there by 730 and I don't work til 9 so it seems silly for me to wake up 2 hours before I have to go to work when her school and my work are literally like 5 minutes from our house.  He agreed, did it once, and then never attempted it again. I told him he was selfish, and kind of unleashed everything I've been holding in for so long. He got better after that for a few days, but then right back to how it was before.

Then to top it all off, he wasn't trying to find work. He found a side job that was going to pay him $1300 for and that was really all he had planned. I had to remind him, we are getting married in FOUR MONTHS and we have to MOVE in FOUR MONTHS and I need you to get a fucking job. I need you to prove you give 2 shits about me, man up, get a fucking job, or get the fuck out.

So he found a job. He got hired today. He was all excited to talk about it because he got hired basically on the spot and the pay is the same as he was getting before and he gets to have a work truck and not a work van for once, and it's his birthday. But I've done nothing for him. I didn't buy him a gift, and honestly I wasn't even going to take him out for dinner. Because I've been stressing about money because ONE of my 2 paychecks a month would cover our rent, and the other would leave me with an extra 22$ for the entire month to buy food, gas, and hopefully need nothing else in the meantime. So he wasn't going to get anything from me. I mean, maybe head.

But it was so hard to be nice today. I wanted to, because it's his birthday, and because he said to me earlier "Now that I'm working again you won't have anything else to bitch at me for" and that made me feel pretty shitty bc I was hard on him when he lost it, even knowing it wasn't his fault, and went off on him instead of trying to comfort him, because I do know how it feels to be fired. But I was still angry from before. I was still feeling like maybe this won't work.

Does that make me a bad person? I kept snapping at him and being a bitch to him on his birthday. I didn't mean to. But I couldn't hold back the anger and disappointment.

The girls at work, and my friends, always tell me I'm being too much. Because Dave is a good guy, who treats me and my daughter very well, and he loves us, and he's never made me feel like he felt anything but. The negative is all me. I drag us down. It's like I'm trying to force happiness on everyone but the only way they can be happy is if I am. Sometimes I don't know why he keeps me around, because sometimes I am really terrible to him, and I hate it.

I'll have to make it up to him this weekend.

November 6, 2017

I'm too affected by rude people. I take everything personally. My pharmacy sucks. My techs suck. There's only one other girl who knows what she's doing and she rarely comes to work and doesn't do her job when she's there anyway.

I think it's nice that patients know I know what I'm doing and request me for their problems but at the same time it's becoming too much.

And then Seth wants to tell me we'll all get the same amount of money for our raise in March. That's bullshit. They need me, and I need more money. I'm over the shit now.

October 10, 2017

I just can't anymore. When I really start to think about things, my heart is in the right place, but it's not where I want to be. My heart is my problem, entirely. I expect everyone to put out what I do, work, friends, relationships, and it's just not the case. I kill myself at work and for what? For a 1$ more than my coworkers. That's what it boils down to. No appreciation for what I do, no thanks, but if I am sick and having a bad day, everyone feels it and then I'm not working up to my potential and everyone is pissed at me because they have to work harder. I feel like that's my entire life, with everyone in it. I got rid of all my toxic friendships and realized that means I have no friends. I might have to compromise in areas, but it's hard when I feel like I'm the only one who does.

I spoke with my step mother, who happens to be a therapist (free therapy, woo!) and she basically just confirmed everything I've been thinking in the back of my head for the last... I don't even know how many years.

I think my biggest issue is I want more. I feel like I deserve more. I want people whom I've helped to help me, and I think I have to come to terms with the reality that if I want anything in life I have to do it myself.

Holly's words keep ringing over and over in my brain, to where I keep having these dreams about it if I do sleep, and it's driving me mad. I guess I'm actually going to have to talk to these people. I'm going to have to get another job and take a pay cut and start over. That's the stupid reality. I need to be happier. I have one life to live, and I want to spend it happily with my daughter, like when she was a baby, and I don't want any outside drama. I want a family, but I want a family with people I can depend on to put me first, who can acknowledge when they're being selfish and change that.

If you can't be willing to do it, then I don't need you.