November 10, 2017

So we kind of, well, there's no "kind of" anymore at this point, have a roommate. He is a friend of mine whom I worked with when I was at CVS's boyfriend, who over time kind of became a friend of Dave's, too. The guy is really good with kids, which is good, because they have a baby plus she had 2 kids before him, and he keeps the house clean (which is more than I can say for Dave lol) but too much of him is annoying. He's got a good heart, but he's a big talker. If you have a story, he has one too. He's done so many things in his life and learned so many trades. He doesn't work a real job because he keeps the baby and the kids when they're out of school, but because he knows so many trades he gets money from a lot of side jobs. Not excellent money. I mean he mows yards, paints houses, fixes cars, details cars, handy things like that. He basically just makes extra money while his woman works ful time. Which is fine for them, I guess, because she knew that when she got with him, and she makes decent money now.

He had found, allegedly, a side job for Dave to do with installing a friend's ac system because that's not something he knows how to do and had told Dave he'd get $1300 from it. Which I guess wound up just being him talking.

When we first agreed to let him stay, we had talked about using any money he gave us towards our wedding. It was just extra money for us.

But now I'm starting to get annoyed with the situation.

He fixed up the garage into a room and it has a side door so basically he doesn't really have to bother us unless he comes in the house to cook or use the restroom or whatever. But when K drops the baby off before she goes to work (she goes in an hour before me) he's always asking me to hold him and stuff so he can do... whatever it is he does. Which wouldn't annoy me so much if I wasn't trying to get ready for work. Or if I happen to get off before K, he always has me watch the baby so he can go pick her up, or if he has to go to the store, or whatever he needs to do. I sound like I'm bitching and I know I am. I love their baby, he's adorable. But he's 9 months old and they have him so spoiled you literally can't put him down. Like he doesn't know how to sit up on his own or crawl yet because he's been held so much. It'd be one thing if I could put him down and let him play on the floor or something. But it's hard to cook and take care of my own kid when I've got a 9 month old attached to me.

The other issue is, hes given us 150$ since he moved in. The 50 he gave me first was applied towards my daycare, and the 100 I held onto to deposit that weekend when I actually went to the town my bank was in.

Anddddddd then yesterday he asked Dave if he could "borrow it back" because some tool or something broke or he didn't have the right tools for whatever he's planning on doing this weekend on one of his jobs and he promised he'd be able to give it right back after he gets paid for it.

This is where I start to get annoyed. Granted he's only been here for I think 3 weeks, and Dave never set a price for him to pay when he said he could move in. But I almost feel like we're just going to keep exchanging that $100 until our lease is up. He did offer to keep Emilee for me instead of me paying daycare, and he does keep the house clean. But WE feed him, he uses OUR water, OUR electric, we also feed the kids when he gets them from school. And he invites his friends over a lot, which is alright because they stay in his room, but idk what they do when [Dave]and I are at work. And whenever K comes over all they do is scream and yell at each other to the point where I literally had to tell them to take it outside, keep it down, or K had to leave. AND he hasn't brought his tv over so a lot of the time I'd come home and he'd be playing or watching something on mine while Dave was  playing on his  and I'd be like....ok?? Fuck me, I guess! So moving in I thought would help after Dave lost job bc we would at least get that much extra, but really we got 50$.

Dave annoys me because he acts like he's this hard ass. He talks a big game and then doesn't follow through with it like he said he would, he bitches to me about him constantly, but says nothing. I'm not the one who told him he could move in. But I sure as shit know Dave would blame me in a heartbeat for why he has to GTFO.

I don't mind helping him out, it's not that. It's just this is my house. I am currently the only one paying bills here and I don't want to feel like I have to stay in my room and do nothing while they hang out and play video games and fuck off. It's just an addition to my previous post about why I've been so mad at Dave lately, I guess. It's just I called out today because I literally have no voice so it's not like I can wait on customers, and he's been springing the baby on me all day so he can use my tv to play COD with Dave.

So much for a fucking day off.

November 9, 2017

I'm a jerk.

I feel bad, because it's Dave's birthday, and I'm in a terrible mood. I've been trying to be calm and collected, but my bitchy attitude keeps coming out.

The problem is I've been mad at him since he lost his job.  The past few weeks have been rough. I've noticed that he's not as dependable as he wants to be, and he's selfish. I've been saying he's not, but really, he is. In a way. He shows his love differently than I want. He would always buy me gifts or he thinks sitting on the couch cuddling and watching TV together is what makes a good relationship and so in his eyes everything is perfect. But that's not necessarily what I want. I want a guy who takes the load off me,and my responsibilities.

For instance, in our entire relationship,Dave has washed dishes maybe 3 times. Until we got a charcoal grill this year he never cooked. Ever. He never woke up and got Emilee ready for me, ever, so I could get some extra sleep. He never made a grocery list, or did the grocery shopping. I was expected to take care of the whole home front and at the same time we both worked 40 hours. So when he had the job in Orlando he worked barely 30 hours, but he made so much money it didn't matter bc his check for a week was still more than what I made in 2. But he'd get home from work at 2pm and get to relax and do whatever he wanted to do, and then when I got off at 530 I'd have to go pick up Emilee from daycare, come home, and cook dinner for everyone , put away leftovers, load the dishwasher, and then unload it when I came home the next day and do it all over again while he played his video games and waited for his food.

So when he lost his job at BF I got pissed. Bc that was 2 jobs in 6 months. Granted, it wasn't really his fault for losing it. He was 3 weeks away from his 90 days and they got rid of him before he could get his benefits bc they were slow, and he was the last guy hired. So I did feel a little bad that I was so mad at him. But the reality was, and I told him, that if he hadn't been an idiot and got fired from his job in Orlando it wouldn't have mattered in the first  place because he would have had a job. There was like a 7 day time frame from him losing his job in Orlando to him starting at BF. But when he lost his job at BF he was unemployed for weeks.

So during the time frame I expected him to take care of shit at the house. If you're not going to work then you need to do the house duties. But he didn't. Then I took Emilee out of daycare bc I wasn't paying for her to go there when he's just sitting at home.

I went off on him about it finally when I was at the end of my witts. I was pissed off one morning because I asked him, hey, since you're NOT working, maybe you can wake up in the morning and take Em to school, because she has to be there by 730 and I don't work til 9 so it seems silly for me to wake up 2 hours before I have to go to work when her school and my work are literally like 5 minutes from our house.  He agreed, did it once, and then never attempted it again. I told him he was selfish, and kind of unleashed everything I've been holding in for so long. He got better after that for a few days, but then right back to how it was before.

Then to top it all off, he wasn't trying to find work. He found a side job that was going to pay him $1300 for and that was really all he had planned. I had to remind him, we are getting married in FOUR MONTHS and we have to MOVE in FOUR MONTHS and I need you to get a fucking job. I need you to prove you give 2 shits about me, man up, get a fucking job, or get the fuck out.

So he found a job. He got hired today. He was all excited to talk about it because he got hired basically on the spot and the pay is the same as he was getting before and he gets to have a work truck and not a work van for once, and it's his birthday. But I've done nothing for him. I didn't buy him a gift, and honestly I wasn't even going to take him out for dinner. Because I've been stressing about money because ONE of my 2 paychecks a month would cover our rent, and the other would leave me with an extra 22$ for the entire month to buy food, gas, and hopefully need nothing else in the meantime. So he wasn't going to get anything from me. I mean, maybe head.

But it was so hard to be nice today. I wanted to, because it's his birthday, and because he said to me earlier "Now that I'm working again you won't have anything else to bitch at me for" and that made me feel pretty shitty bc I was hard on him when he lost it, even knowing it wasn't his fault, and went off on him instead of trying to comfort him, because I do know how it feels to be fired. But I was still angry from before. I was still feeling like maybe this won't work.

Does that make me a bad person? I kept snapping at him and being a bitch to him on his birthday. I didn't mean to. But I couldn't hold back the anger and disappointment.

The girls at work, and my friends, always tell me I'm being too much. Because Dave is a good guy, who treats me and my daughter very well, and he loves us, and he's never made me feel like he felt anything but. The negative is all me. I drag us down. It's like I'm trying to force happiness on everyone but the only way they can be happy is if I am. Sometimes I don't know why he keeps me around, because sometimes I am really terrible to him, and I hate it.

I'll have to make it up to him this weekend.

November 6, 2017

I'm too affected by rude people. I take everything personally. My pharmacy sucks. My techs suck. There's only one other girl who knows what she's doing and she rarely comes to work and doesn't do her job when she's there anyway.

I think it's nice that patients know I know what I'm doing and request me for their problems but at the same time it's becoming too much.

And then Seth wants to tell me we'll all get the same amount of money for our raise in March. That's bullshit. They need me, and I need more money. I'm over the shit now.

October 10, 2017

I just can't anymore. When I really start to think about things, my heart is in the right place, but it's not where I want to be. My heart is my problem, entirely. I expect everyone to put out what I do, work, friends, relationships, and it's just not the case. I kill myself at work and for what? For a 1$ more than my coworkers. That's what it boils down to. No appreciation for what I do, no thanks, but if I am sick and having a bad day, everyone feels it and then I'm not working up to my potential and everyone is pissed at me because they have to work harder. I feel like that's my entire life, with everyone in it. I got rid of all my toxic friendships and realized that means I have no friends. I might have to compromise in areas, but it's hard when I feel like I'm the only one who does.

I spoke with my step mother, who happens to be a therapist (free therapy, woo!) and she basically just confirmed everything I've been thinking in the back of my head for the last... I don't even know how many years.

I think my biggest issue is I want more. I feel like I deserve more. I want people whom I've helped to help me, and I think I have to come to terms with the reality that if I want anything in life I have to do it myself.

Holly's words keep ringing over and over in my brain, to where I keep having these dreams about it if I do sleep, and it's driving me mad. I guess I'm actually going to have to talk to these people. I'm going to have to get another job and take a pay cut and start over. That's the stupid reality. I need to be happier. I have one life to live, and I want to spend it happily with my daughter, like when she was a baby, and I don't want any outside drama. I want a family, but I want a family with people I can depend on to put me first, who can acknowledge when they're being selfish and change that.

If you can't be willing to do it, then I don't need you.

September 2, 2017

White lies.

I made a mistake a million years ago and told a white lie, to not hurt another person for one, but in a way I guess to protect myself kind of too. I've carried the lie through countless friendships, countless boyfriends, thinking I was doing the right thing. And now it's becoming too heavy and I don't know what to do. I could keep it hidden and just be unhappy because I'm not honest about what I want, or I could voice it out loud and potentially hurt someone enough that they no longer want to talk to me anymore. Neither one is good. The stress is just adding to my anxiety that's already too much. I can't shut it off.

August 22, 2017

Life.

This has been an absolutely chaotic month. Emilee started elementary school and the first well consisted of her not getting off the bus and me having to leave work to pick her up at the school. She started at her new at home daycare, which is in my budget so that's nice. But the daycare itself is very lax, and therefore Emilee is being problematic at home, because she needs structure, and she needs everyone to give her structure, or she's relentless. So now we are battling behavioral problems, but I think she will get there once all the new-ness of everything dies down.

I go for an ultrasound on the 5th to see, again, if they can give me any answers on what's going on with me (no, I'm not pregnant). And for results from my doctor and specialist on the 12th. This has been a long battle of trying to remain calm and patient, and I'm finally towards the end of it. My last blood work order came back ok, so they've ruled out I guess the worst of everything, now they just are getting a for sure diagnosis, if there even is anything to diagnose.

My wedding is back on, I now have a photographer, dj, a new wedding date, and a venue! It wasn't my first or even third choice venue, but I waited too long and this is what I have for now. I'll make it work, at least I hope so.

Work is exhausting. Being 3 people short is a nightmare I hope to never have to relive again, but small favors, at least it's "summer". Though it doesn't feel like it half the time, we're doing 3xs what we were doing last summer with way less manpower. It's the pitts. I think I'm getting too old for retail pharmacy. I'm going to bed lately by 9:30, I'm not even in my 30's yet. Ridiculous.

Dave did something stupid, and got himself fired from his job. We had a bad patch, but he found another one paying the same, closer to home, and with better benefits, on top of a career move in the direction he wanted, and all the employees there love it and he's actually wanting to stay local now for it instead of our big Jacksonville move we were planning for months. Which is fine by me, I like it out here. I mean. It could be better, but it's not awful. We're in the middle of practically everything at least. A part of me was angry that he found work so quickly, the petty part of me, because I felt like he learned nothing from the experience. But he did tell me that telling me what happened, and having to see the look of betrayal and disappointment on my face scarred him a bit. So maybe it wasn't all bad.

I think I say it often, but I do love this man. And he amazes me at times that I can see he loves me. It's always the little things that catch me off guard, or the smiles, or the texts. I find it amazing to be 2.5 years into this and we still have yet to really get into a fight. We've managed to work through everything, and even though him losing his job was an incredibly hard time to even look at him, we worked through that, too. I'm starting to feel like we could handle the world together. And yet at the same time, there's that part of me that refuses to go away that's always worrying about "what if?"

It's late. Goodnight!

August 9, 2017

Health problem after health problem. More blood work, again, sick of blood work. I just want some answers and I'm sick of getting the run around to get them. Maybe Monday will be my last appointment for awhile. Except for the two I have after that. And then maybe I'll be done. In the meantime, if I could just get some sleep for once...that'd be nice.