I just can't anymore. When I really start to think about things, my heart is in the right place, but it's not where I want to be. My heart is my problem, entirely. I expect everyone to put out what I do, work, friends, relationships, and it's just not the case. I kill myself at work and for what? For a 1$ more than my coworkers. That's what it boils down to. No appreciation for what I do, no thanks, but if I am sick and having a bad day, everyone feels it and then I'm not working up to my potential and everyone is pissed at me because they have to work harder. I feel like that's my entire life, with everyone in it. I got rid of all my toxic friendships and realized that means I have no friends. I might have to compromise in areas, but it's hard when I feel like I'm the only one who does.
I spoke with my step mother, who happens to be a therapist (free therapy, woo!) and she basically just confirmed everything I've been thinking in the back of my head for the last... I don't even know how many years.
I think my biggest issue is I want more. I feel like I deserve more. I want people whom I've helped to help me, and I think I have to come to terms with the reality that if I want anything in life I have to do it myself.
Holly's words keep ringing over and over in my brain, to where I keep having these dreams about it if I do sleep, and it's driving me mad. I guess I'm actually going to have to talk to these people. I'm going to have to get another job and take a pay cut and start over. That's the stupid reality. I need to be happier. I have one life to live, and I want to spend it happily with my daughter, like when she was a baby, and I don't want any outside drama. I want a family, but I want a family with people I can depend on to put me first, who can acknowledge when they're being selfish and change that.
If you can't be willing to do it, then I don't need you.